


trains that aren't coming

by joonswig



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming of Age, Emotional Constipation, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Miscommunication, both high school and college depending on the person but, climbing through windows au, some side ships and like ppl from other bands, ya fiction but badly written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 07:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19330150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joonswig/pseuds/joonswig
Summary: five times nayeon sneaks into sana's room through the window and the one time sana returns the favour





	trains that aren't coming

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hiraizaki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiraizaki/gifts).



> happy birthday selma!! im so happy to have u in my life ur the funniest smartest person i know...u singlehandedly redeemed cancers. no but fr ur one of my favourite ppl and i hope u always have a sense of just how amazing you are. love u sm!!! hope u have an amazing day and another amazing year!! im so proud of you with everything you do!!!
> 
> //
> 
> nayeon minho 1st year uni, chaewon jeongyeon sana jisung hyunjin seungmin senior year high school minju junior year 
> 
> polish schooling system but place unspecified
> 
>  
> 
> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/hanghangoverbang/playlist/18hqd6vZU4WWyEMZqHNi3d?si=dgAVbR24TCmhv25jLzl-Qg)

The car window is pleasantly cold against Sana’s temple, as she stares outside the car. Somehow, she can’t seem to concentrate on her friend’s chatter, as much as she’d like to. The sight of the somewhat chartreuse treetops blending in with the clear sky’s blue is comforting. Feeling uncomfortable, she rests her head against her palm, focusing on the blur of the forest they were rushing past on their way home. 

 

“—hag is going to actual college,” she makes out Chaewon’s voice say from the front seat, “gonna be emo in a hot second.”

 

“If you call me a hag again, I’ll eat your guts out,” Nayeon whines, failing to be in the least intimidating. Chaewon can only chuckle at her efforts. 

 

Sana drops her eyes to the sand-stained carpet of Jeongyeon’s car. With a quiet sigh, she tries to swallow down the discomfort lacing her stomach. She can’t pinpoint exactly what it means, but it feels a bit like longing, with a hint of nostalgia and misplaced affection. It shouldn’t be this melancholic, she shouldn’t feel so out of place with her friends around, friends she should be paying more attention to. 

 

It was moderately okay during the trip, one they have been planning since summer started. Jeongyeon was the first to suggest it, something about their last summer together as four. Sana nodded enthusiastically with the rest, ignoring the bile rising up her throat. It was above average when they set up a camp near a lake outside of the city, enjoying the final week of August together. With the laughter spilling from her lips, the beer in her hand more often than not and away from the reality of what awaited when September would roll around, she could forget about the heavy weight in her chest.

 

Now, on the way back, realisation has started dawning on her and she doesn’t have the strength to keep it in. It comes as no surprise to her that Nayeon is the first one to pick up the odd behaviour, patting her lap from beside her.

 

“You okay?” She whispers, not to alert the others probably. Chaewon would be likely to order Jeongyeon to stop the car in the middle of the road and both of them can sense the least Sana needs right now is attention.

 

“Yeah,” Sana tries to smile at her, but she knows it probably looks like an ugly parody of one. “Yeah. Just, don’t know. Carsick, I guess. Or the fact that I haven’t eaten a normal meal in the last week kicking in.”

 

“Do you wanna lie down?” Nayeon says, gesturing at her lap. “If Jeongyeon gets a ticket I promise I’ll pay.”

 

Sana lets out an amused huff, opting to rest her head on Nayeon’s shoulder. She looks at their reflection in the rearview mirror, watching as Nayeon closes her eyes with a serene expression. Feeling a surge of affection, Sana laces their fingers together and rests their palms on her thigh. 

 

Being with Nayeon, feeling her at Sana’s side is comforting, like nothing else in the world. Jeongyeon often says she watches ASMR to destress, while Chaewon religiously watches D.I.Y. UV resin compilations on YouTube before going to sleep — Sana has Nayeon, always sticking close by, giving her a sense of safety, security. 

 

Maybe that’s why she’s so afraid of the future. 

 

With Nayeon starting university in October, the little bubble of stability Sana grew so used to was about to pop mercilessly. The mere thought of school starting the following day, knowing Nayeon won’t be joining them for the opening ceremony, just to ditch it in the middle of it to hang out at the nearest playground sends shivers down her skin. If there’s anything Sana can’t handle, it’s changes and this one might just be the greatest one she has yet faced. 

 

They drop her off first, Nayeon telling Jeongyeon to take Sana home as fast as possible to get her to rest after the journey. With a quick hug, she bids them goodbye, declining Nayeon’s offer to help her carry her stuff back to her house. Sana wants to be alone as soon as possible, wrap herself in a blanket despite the persisting summer heat, listen to her ‘Sad Vibes’ playlist and have a moment of rest from her feelings, thoughts, herself. 

 

It works to an extent.

 

Sana’s mind runs too fast for her to control and soon enough, her focus is brought back to the fact that the following day, she’d be going to school without Nayeon picking her up in the morning like she’s used to. They’ll sit at their table at the café nearby during the long break with one seat vacant. Sana will be walking back home after classes end alone, with no one to talk to, no one’s hand to hold. 

 

She chastises herself quickly enough. Nayeon is not moving to another city, she remembers, she’s just a few streets away, always at reach. And yet, she can’t help feeling that it might not be enough, that Sana herself might not have enough courage to put effort into keeping things going. 

 

Deep in her own thoughts, she almost misses the tapping at her window, only letting it stir her back to consciousness as it gets louder. A little freaked out, Sana gets off her bed to approach it, only to see Nayeon rapping on it with her finger, crouching on the plateau roof of the garage. There’s a teasing smile on her face, as she notices Sana’s unnerved expression. 

 

“Hi,” she says, climbing past the ledge with ease when Sana opens the window. She helps Nayeon down, watching her brush the dust off her denim jacket. 

 

“Uh, hi,” Sana doesn’t really know how to act, or what’s happening for the matter, so she just blinks her eyes in confusion, “what’s all… _this_?”

 

“Oh, you know,” Nayeon flops on Sana’s bed, looking more at home than the younger herself, “was passing by. Thought it would be fun.”

 

It’s so typically _Nayeon_ , the spontaneity with which she makes often rash decisions. While Sana tended to take a step back and overthink the smallest things, the most negligible choices, Nayeon takes the risk of trusting her instincts blindly. They complimented each other well, in Sana’s opinion, brought out the best in each other, evened out each others’ extremes.

 

“You could take off the shoes at least,” Sana points out, horror in her tone as he watches Nayeon’s combat boots that she refuses to drop even during the summer stain her duvet. Nayeon only laughs as an answer, but complies, leaving them beside the bed. 

 

“Quit standing there,” Nayeon tells her, resting her head comfortably against Sana’s pillows. She pats the vacant space beside her, “come, lie down.”

 

“How are you the one ordering me around in my own room,” Sana sighs, but obeys, lying on her side so that she’s facing Nayeon. “Why are you really here?”

 

“You looked sad,” Nayeon’s smile falters and the bold glint in her eyes softens, “back in the car. You were kinda…”

 

“Out of it,” Sana supplies.

 

“Yeah,” Nayeon nods, twirling a strand of Sana’s hair around her index finger, “yeah. Out of it.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Sana sighs, turning her head away to stare at the ceiling. “I didn’t want to worry you.”

 

Nayeon moves closer, draping her leg over Sana’s hip, resting her head on her chest, “is it because of school?”

 

“Kinda,” Sana’s voice cracks, “not really. It’s more about you not being there.”

 

For a second, Nayeon is silent, until she pushes herself upwards to press a faint kiss to Sana’s cheek, “but I am. Well, not at school. But here. I’m not leaving.”

 

“I know,” Sana plays with her fingers to distract herself from the aching in her chest, “it’s just that…things are changing. You know I’m not a fan.”

 

Nayeon grabs her hands, untangling them to press a kiss to one of them, “I know. I know you aren’t. I know it’s hard for you and I know I can’t promise you I’ll always be there. But nothing’s changing between us and how I feel.”

 

Sana closes her eyes before pressing her forehead against Nayeon’s. She can smell the faint hint of lemongrass from her friend’s favourite body lotion, she can feel the gentle brush of the pads of Nayeon’s fingers tracing up and down her arm sending goosebumps down her skin. 

 

“I don’t wanna lose you,” she whispers, barely audible hoping Nayeon doesn’t hear. The hitch in the older’s breath proves her wrong. 

 

“I’m gonna pick you up tomorrow,” Nayeon tells her after a second of thought, “and the day after that. I’m gonna take you to school, like we used to do. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that when classes start, but I’ll try.”

 

Letting herself be vulnerable for once, Sana opens her eyes to meet Nayeon’s, “will you pick me up after, too?”

 

Nayeon’s smile is gentle, fond and Sana feels her world stopping. Moments like these feel so intimate, like it’s only her and Nayeon and everything and everyone else fade into the background. She nods in reply, before turning away, putting distance between them. Sana shivers as the warmth dissipates too soon for her liking. 

 

“I’m gonna leave now,” Nayeon tells her, sitting up, “but I’ll come tomorrow, ‘kay? And don’t worry about this any more.”

 

“You know I will,” Sana jokes, but the tone of her voice is telling of just how anxious she feels. 

 

“I know,” Nayeon reaches to brush through Sana’s hair, “I know you will. But I can promise you one thing. No matter what happens, what I do, what you do, how you feel, you’re always gonna have me, okay?”

 

Ironically, Nayeon leaves shortly after the exchange, pulling Sana into a quick hug, as though a second longer would cross some sort of unspoken boundary. She watches her jump off the roof of the garage, returns to her bed after sending her a wave. The room seems to have grown colder. For a second, she questions whether Nayeon even came, or whether it was an oddly elaborate lucid dream. Nayeon has a tendency to leave as fast as she comes and Sana finds it hard to believe she’ll remain as much of a constant fixture as she has assured the younger.

 

Still, she can only hope it is true and put her trust into the pipe dream that Nayeon has grown to be. 

 

*

 

It’s vague.

 

It’s not terrible like Sana feared it could have been, with the two of them cutting ties as soon as Nayeon joined a different crowd, with her deciding that Sana was just a redundant element of a past period of her life. It’s far from that and she can only blame the catastrophic nature of her over-imaginative tendencies for ever doubting Nayeon.

 

It’s not good either, though.

 

Although it has not even been two months, senior year has successfully managed to drain Sana’s already lacking reservoir of energy empty. Nayeon hasn’t been terribly spirited ever since university started and she had to adjust to a completely new surrounding. It takes a toll on their contact, with phone calls only able to last so long and texts more often curt than not. Sana can’t help feeling the distance between them growing with time. 

 

It’s the little changes that hurt Sana the most, though. Nayeon’s usual spot in their café has been occupied by Chaewon’s new girlfriend, Minju. Sana doesn’t mind the addition to their group at all, but she feels uncomfortable at the notion that Minju could replace her friend. Nayeon quits the part-time job at the shoe store that Sana still works at herself, so now during breaks she mostly hangs out with her other co-workers, Jisung and Hyunjin. They are fun to be around with, but neither of them throw shoes at her when their boss isn’t looking like Nayeon used to. Without her around, Sana feels out of place herself.

 

The last time they have seen each other in person was back in September, for Nayeon’s birthday. With October slowly coming to an end, Sana feels ill at the realisation that she might just be gradually letting go of the person she cares about the most. Not wanting to think about it, she diverts her focus onto other things, whether that be school work or binge-watching The Society, like every good Harry Bingham apologist should. It works for the most part. 

 

She’s sprawled over her desk, staring at her laptop screen mindlessly, bopping her head lightly to ‘Bloodline’ blaring through her headphones, when she gets a text.

 

_you look like an idiot <3 _

_it’s cute_

_let me in_

 

Sana turns to face her window, surprised to see Nayeon leaning against it, waving at her with an amused expression. When Sana lets her in, Nayeon makes sure to take off her shoes, mumbling something about her being a pedant. 

 

“So, how have you been?” Nayeon asks, flopping lifelessly onto Sana’s bed, bouncing on the mattress like a rag doll. 

 

“You know,” Sana shrugs, taking a seat by her desk, on which stacks of notes and unfinished homework serve as a reminder of just how little time she has. Still, she makes no effort to tell Nayeon to leave, too desperate for an ounce of rest and craving affection she so has so dearly missed since the last time she’s seen Nayeon. “Just tired as fuck. Senior year teas.”

 

“God, tell me about it,” Sana remembers just how exhausted Nayeon looked last year, recalls just how admirable it was to her that she was still able to keep her bright smile unfaltering whenever they were together. “Hell, innit?”

 

“Speaking of hell, how’s uni?” Nayeon sits up, bringing her leg to her chest.

 

“Not bad, actually,” she says, “like for now we’re safe, but I know I will be crying before any exam. I sleep through half of my classes.”

 

“Glad to hear nothing’s changed in that department,” it’s a miracle to Sana how Nayeon aced through her final exams with almost minimal effort. She had to cram several weeks before, but managed to do better than anyone could have expected with her attendance and effort put in classes.

 

“You figured out what you wanna apply for?” Nayeon asks.

 

Sana has been questioning between going for Veterinary or Biology, which she would later follow up with a postgraduate course in Zoology. Both would allow her to work with animals, something she always wanted to do, given her affinity towards them.

 

“I think I’ll go for Biology, after all,” she replies, “being a vet is, like, nice, but I don’t think I could stand to see animals hurt. Plus, if I get a degree in, like, Zoology, I could work in the zoo. An ethical one, though.”

 

“With the monkeys?” Nayeon grins.

 

“Exactly,” Sana admits sheepishly. “I love them so much.”

 

“Oh, really?” Nayeon feigns surprise. “I couldn’t tell with your monkey phone case, monkey stickers on your laptop, the stash of videos of cute monkeys you watch instead of listening during history class—”

 

“Okay, I think we got the message,” Sana cuts her off. She lies down next to Nayeon, letting the girl play with her hair with a smile. 

 

“Can I ask you something dumb?” Her friend asks after a while.

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you would,” Sana jokes, but pats Nayeon’s thigh, urging her to continue.

 

“It’s gonna be a bit ridiculous so bear with me,” the older warns her, “but I was thinking about, like, monkeys.”

 

“Oh, me teas,” Sana says, “I do that all the time.”

 

Nayeon blinks, “somehow, I’m not even surprised. But I was thinking more, like, if they think like humans do, in an emotional sense?”

 

“Sorta,” Sana confirms, “they feel emotions, mammals often tend to.”

 

“Imagine I’m a monkey,” Nayeon says, “and I want something, but I don’t deserve it. I’ve been a bad monkey, I don’t know. Do I know I don’t deserve it? And if I’d know, would I still push through and get it?”

 

“That’s…oddly specific,” Sana says, “I wouldn’t know. I’d guess if they want something, they’d just go for it, no matter if they think they deserve it. It’s instinctive or whatever.”

 

“What about you?” Nayeon tilts her head to the side. “Would you go for something if you knew you didn’t deserve it?”

 

Sana hums, “I wouldn’t know, really. I’d like to say I would, but I don’t think I’d pull through. I’ve always been kinda…uh—”

 

“Passive?” Nayeon supplies.

 

“Kinda.”

 

“Yeah,” Sana think of whether or not she’d pursue Nayeon if she even had a chance. She doesn’t think she’d have the courage to, not with the gargantuan probability of herself fucking up, not with Nayeon deserving much more from the world than Sana could possibly offer. 

 

Nayeon proves her suspicions to be correct when she leaves after a while of uncomfortable silence. Even though it wounds Sana to see her go, she doesn’t have the courage to stop her, keep her inside, tell her to stay the night. 

 

It’s just not what she deserves.

 

*

 

A month passes without a single meeting. 

 

Then another is threatening to. 

 

Although Sana has never been much of a texter, or a conversationalist for the matter, somehow her interactions with Nayeon have only been going downhill since the last time they’ve talked. While Nayeon used to try to reach out to her ever so often, it has been steadily decreasing. Sana wishes she had the courage to message her first, ask her what she’s up to, but it’s so painfully awkward. She finds herself staring at the screen of her phone for at least fifteen minutes, trying to come up with something to get the conversation at least started, but most of the time, she physically can’t.

 

It’s not that she’s not interested in what Nayeon is up to. Sana has so many questions about how classes are going, how Nayeon is feeling in a new environment, what friends she has made. One of the things that she finds the most frustrating about the current situation is how out of the loop she feels. It was easier to catch up with each other when they saw each other every day.

 

A lot of things were easier back then.

 

With Sana’s birthday approaching, she finally has a reason to initiate a pathetic excuse of a conversation. It’s as dry as can be and it drives her crazy, but it’s something and at this point, she reckons beggars can’t be choosers. 

 

 

_hey so_

_are you in town after christmas_

 

_might be_

_why_

 

_im having a party_

 

_oh rite ur bday_

_what time_

 

_like 6 pmish?_

_nothing too big btw it’s just jeongyeon chaewon  
minju maybe a few others _

 

_uh okay_

_i’ll see_

_i’m sorry unis like. getting wild_

 

_nono it’s okay_

_i know you might be busy_

_just putting it out there_

 

_thanks_

 

On her birthday, Sana sends her a text again, asking if she’s coming, but Nayeon doesn’t reply, not even with wishes. She tries to tell herself she doesn’t care, that Nayeon might be busy with school, family, anything — and she’s entitled to do so. Sana isn’t bound to always be her priority, it isn’t fair of her to expect that of anyone.

 

Sana tries to let herself loose at her party and for the most part, she succeeds. Jeongyeon bakes her a cake which all of them devour in a matter of seconds. Chaewon shows up hand in hand with Minju, handing her a bag full of phone chargers.

 

“You break yours a lot,” Chaewon notices, “this should last about a month.” Sana glares, but she takes them without a word, knowing her current one is close to dying on her. 

 

Jisung and Hyunjin come over, too, making sure to hug the life out of Sana. Much as it would take a lot for Sana to admit out loud, the sight of all of her friends scattered across her living room causes warmth to spread in her chest. 

 

Still, Nayeon missing is something to painfully obvious that it keeps piercing her mind ever so often. What adds to her discomfort is all of her friends’ relationships. Sana notices Chaewon and Minju being glued to each other’s side, not straying farther than a meter away from each other at all times and she can’t help imagining it to be her and Nayeon. When Hyunjin whines about how much he misses Seungmin, who’s spending Christmas break out of town, she’s reminded of how much she longs to see Nayeon herself. When Jisung brags about his college boyfriend, who he apparently went on a couple of dates with already, Sana thinks of how much she’d love to have that with Nayeon.

 

It’s almost like everything centres around her. 

 

After everyone leaves, Sana returns to the comfort of her room. To her shock, Nayeon is spinning on the chair beside her desk with a smug expression. 

 

“You left your window open,” Nayeon tells her, “felt like an invitation.”

 

“Are you gonna make a habit out of that?” She asks without much bite.

 

Nayeon chuckles, brushing her hair back with a ruffle, “isn’t it kind of our thing by now?” 

 

Sana sits back on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest. Still a little wary of being too affectionate with Nayeon, upset about her not coming. Sensing the girl’s discomfort, Nayeon sits down on the edge of the mattress with a small, sheepish smile. At least, Sana notices, she has the decency to look guilty. 

 

“Hey,” she says, taking off her backpack and unzipping it, “got you something, birthday girl.” Nayeon pulls out a stuffed monkey. Sana can’t stop the corners of her mouth pulling up, eyes crinkling at the sight of the animal sewn in a crouched position, soft tail pushed towards its back. 

 

“Thank you,” she replies, hugging it close to her chest, “it’s so adorable.”

 

“It’s a golden lion tamarin,” Nayeon explains, “the zoo a few towns away has like a conservation programme to re-introduce the species or something like that, I checked on the internet and they said it’s an ethical thing to do, so I rolled with it.”

 

Sana nods, “that’s really sweet of you.”

 

“That’s not the best part,” Nayeon lies on her side, “some percent of the revenue from the toys is used to help them or some shit. I had to drive there to get it, that’s why I couldn’t make it to the party, sorry about that. Would have done it earlier but uni has been kicking my ass.”

 

“Oh,” Sana averts her eyes, feeling guilty for not putting enough trust in Nayeon. “I thought you forgot or something.”

 

“I’m sorry, my phone died on the way and Eunbi doesn’t have a car charger,” she tells Sana, bringing her into a hug. “I also adopted a monkey in your name, but they send certificates through post like it’s the middle ages, I’ll bring it over when it’s here.”

 

“Who’s Eunbi? Is that a friend of yours?” Sana asks, finally able to learn more about Nayeon’s life in college. To her surprise, Nayeon turns her head away.

 

“Uh, you could say that,” she says, voice suddenly quieter, “we’ve been trying, like, going on dates for some time.”

 

With that revelation, Sana is rendered speechless. 

 

A lump forms in her throat. She feels like a terrible friend for only finding out about something this important so late, for missing out on such a big chunk of Nayeon’s life. But more so, she feels oddly uncomfortable at the thought of Nayeon dating a different girl. Sana can’t imagine her friend being close with anyone else than herself. 

 

She knows it’s not okay.

 

Sana forces a smile, “that’s so nice.”

 

“Yeah,” Nayeon doesn’t seem terribly excited at the notion. It’s strange, considering how ecstatic Jisung has been about his college boyfriend, how overjoyed Chaewon sounded when she called Sana right after her first date with Minju. “She’s cool.”

 

“I’m sure,” Sana purses her lips. 

 

“Are you, uh, seeing anyone?” Nayeon asks, rather tentatively. 

 

“No,” Sana says, “too busy, anyways.”

 

“Ah.”

 

If Sana were honest, her studies weren’t half as much of an issue as her inability to get over Nayeon. It’s impossible for her to even think of being with anyone else, not with Nayeon making her feel like no one in the world possibly could. It pains her to realise the sentiment isn’t returned.

 

“Thank you, again,” Sana tells her, “it’s really cute.”

 

“Just like the owner,” Nayeon smiles, “I know how much you love them. It’s almost a personality trait at this point.”

 

“Yeah.” Sana imagines she’s always let her love for things and people dominate over her a little too much.

 

“It’s getting late,” Nayeon notices. “I guess I should be leaving.” Sana wishes so badly for her to stay.

 

“Yeah, get back home safely,” Sana tells her.

 

“Sorry for barging in, by the way,” Nayeon scratches the back of her head, “I should probably tone it down a bit. I really wanted to see you, though.”

 

“I always want to see you,” Sana confesses before she can think twice, “so, it’s okay. Come by whenever.”

 

“Thanks, I guess,” Nayeon sighs, before pressing a kiss to Sana’s forehead, “happy birthday.”

 

Sana doesn’t even have the strength to watch her leave this time, turning away to the side as Nayeon closes the window behind her. 

 

*

 

Sana loves her friends. That goes without saying. But with Valentine season rolling around, her level of annoyance seems to increase. 

 

It doesn’t help that she’s surrounded by people in relationships, ones that seem almost sickeningly sweet. From Chaewon calling Minju her soulmate ever so often, to Hyunjin not being able to last five minutes without bringing up Seungmin and Jisung always making sure to remind everyone his boyfriend is in college, Sana is reminded of just how single she is. Even Jeongyeon has been going out with Momo from her volleyball team, despite the time pressure put on them by senior year. 

 

She doesn’t think it would bother her half as much last year, or the year before. Sana doesn’t particularly mind being single, but she has never been alone in it. In fact, she used to spend the previous Valentines with Nayeon, who for obvious reasons was not available this year. 

 

And maybe that’s what hurts the most.

 

As far as she knows, Nayeon and Eunbi are still together, have been for almost two months now. Sana hoped that maybe, with time, she’d grow accustomed to the situation, gradually get over her feelings for the older, but if anything, they only grew stronger, fuelled by the rather nasty longing, perhaps even jealousy. 

 

Nayeon wasn’t very elaborate on the topic either, which made things a little easier for Sana to take in. Whenever they would talk, the topic of Eunbi was scarcely raised, if not non-existent, and it allowed for Sana to forget about her friend’s relationship, pretend just for a minute that it has never been a thing. 

 

But with seemingly everyone successfully pursuing something she could only dream about, Sana is forced to confront the dreaded reality.

 

On the day itself, she stays at home, her stuffed monkey pressed tightly to her chest as a means of comfort. Sana lies still, phone turned off, laptop closed. The silence is almost comforting, it’s like time isn’t passing, like she’s stuck in one motionless spot, where nothing or no one can bother her, where her emotions are absent. 

 

A soft knock on her window brings her out of her reverie. For a second, Sana believes it to be a figment of her imagination, her mind playing a rather dirty trick on her. When the noise repeats, then again, she finally brings herself to turn around. 

 

Nayeon is there. 

 

Sana feels like laughing and crying at the same time.

 

She doesn’t get up to open up the window at first, just stares at her friend. Nayeon’s face is unreadable, but Sana can tell she’s not feeling her best. After seconds, that seem like hours, Sana lets her in.

 

“It’s Valentine’s,” she says, in lieu of a proper greeting. 

 

Nayeon doesn’t seem to mind, “yeah, it is.”

 

“You have a girlfriend,” Sana states.

 

“Yes, I do,” Nayeon nods. 

 

They stand like that, neither bothering to move despite the winter air blowing into the room. Sana can tell, however, that it’s not the cold that sends shivers down her spine. 

 

“Then why are you here?”

 

“I don’t know,” Nayeon says, sounding so weak, like Sana has never seen her before. Nayeon has always been a paragon of strength, resilience. At this moment, she seemed broken. 

 

“Sit down, at least,” Sana says, finally closing the window, “do you want something to drink?”

 

“Not really,” Nayeon shakes her head, “I’ve been out with Eunbi.”

 

Sana wishes she could reply with something snarky, let Nayeon know that she doesn’t need or wish to hear about it, “I see. How was it?”

 

“Okay,” Nayeon tells her, “everything about her is okay.”

 

Something tells Sana it’s not particularly a compliment, “well, that’s good, then.”

 

“Not really,” Nayeon sighs, “I don’t care for okay. Okay is boring. She’s a good friend, she’s a good person, but I don’t feel anything.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I like extremes. I like feeling exhilarated. I like feeling free. I like—” Nayeon pauses, “I like everything she isn’t.”

 

“You’ll find a person like that,” Sana tries to comfort her, rubbing her forearm, “you have to give yourself a shot of happiness.” It’s ironic, she thinks, how much she needs to take her own advice.

 

Nayeon throws her head back with a wry laugh, “well, why do you think I’m here?”

 

Sana doesn’t reply. Her hand drops down to her thigh, fingers drumming against it. She doesn’t want to think of the implications of Nayeon’s words, doesn’t want to fool herself with false hope, something Nayeon taught her enough to be a bad decision. Instead, playing dumb, she answers, “comfort?”

 

Sana scoffs, but before she can reply, her phone starts ringing. Sana gestures her to go ahead, but Nayeon declines. It rings again, seconds later. After the fourth time, Nayeon sighs and picks up.

 

“Look, I’ll call you back,” she says. “No, it’s okay…I’ll be going in a second, ‘kay?”

 

Nayeon hangs up and looks up at Sana with a mix of guilt, hurt and anger pooling at her eyes, “it was her.”

 

“You have to go?” Sana asks, even though she knows the answer all too well. 

 

“Yeah,” Nayeon tells her, “I’m sorry for coming her.”

 

“Don’t be sorry,” Sana says, “I told you, I always want you around.”

 

“You don’t always act like it,” Nayeon mutters under her breath, “I’ll see you, then.”

 

“Please do,” Sana winces at how desperate her voice sounds. 

 

She wishes she knew how to stop Nayeon from leaving, how to keep her by her side, but before Sana can figure out a way, Nayeon is gone, leaving nothing but cold behind her. 

 

*

 

It hasn’t even been a week when Nayeon tells her over the phone that she broke up with Eunbi. 

 

Against her better judgement, against her sense of righteousness, Sana grins, “how are you feeling?”

 

“ _Good, I think_ ,” Nayeon tells her. Sana can sense the relief that emanates from the lightness of her voice, “ _long overdue, really._ ”

 

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out,” Sana tells her, “I’m glad you’re happy, though. You deserve to be with someone you really vibe with.”

 

_“I do, don’t I?”_ Nayeon laughs over the phone. “Don’t worry about it, though. I think I’m gonna take a break from this now.”

 

They wordlessly choose to ignore their last conversation, neither of them ready to bring it up. Instead, they talk more, now, with Sana making sure to call Nayeon ever so often, under the guise of checking up on her. One weekend, when both of them are free, they even decide to go out, just the two of them. Sana feels particularly giddy to finally see Nayeon outside of her room. It feels less like a secret, more real. 

 

“My hands are freezing,” she says, blowing warm air into her palms. 

 

“Whiny baby,” Nayeon rolls her eyes, but links their arms and laces their fingers together. She guides their hands into her pocket, pressing herself to Sana’s side. “Missed hanging out with you like that.”

 

“Me too,” Sana sighs, resting her head on the older’s shoulder, and circling her arm around Nayeon’s, hanging off of her, “feel like dropping out at this point.”

 

“Just a few more months,” Nayeon squeezes her hand, “then you’ll go to uni with me and I’ll show you around and everything. My friends really wanna meet you, they’re probably sick with how much I go on about you.”

 

“You talk about me?” Sana asks, a little too giddily for her own liking. 

 

“Yeah, a lot. I miss you,” Nayeon tells her, “I mean, the others, too. Obviously. But yeah. Uh, yeah.”

 

“Yeah,” Sana parrots, “I talk about you, too. With my friends. Who are also your friends, uh. We miss you, too.”

 

They feel a little more like themselves, like how Sana remembers them. For the first time in months, she feels hopeful about their friendship. At this point, Sana is so grateful just to have Nayeon back, that she chooses to forget about the feelings she has been harbouring for the older. She doesn’t think she has the right to expect more, to even wish for more, and frankly, Sana will take what she can get if it’s Nayeon. 

 

Nayeon takes her back home, laughter spilling from both of their lips. When they reach Sana’s driveway, Nayeon clings onto her arm with a pout, “I don’t wanna leave.”

 

“Then don’t,” Sana’s heart soars. “Race you to my room?”

 

Nayeon takes up the challenge, rushing in the direction of Sana’s garage as the latter sprints past her front door and up the stairs. To her surprise, a breathless Nayeon is leaning against her window when she reaches her room. 

 

“I won,” Nayeon heaves out, glowing with pride. She’s always been competitive, stubborn beyond imagination, which Sana found herself to adore. She brings Nayeon into a hug, smiling brightly. 

 

“You did.”

 

They stumble onto her bed, Nayeon’s head falling onto Sana’s chest, legs tangled together. Sana doesn’t think she’s felt this alive in the past few months, with sun spilling into her room, Nayeon’s hand holding hers. 

 

Sana presses her lips to the top of Nayeon’s head, before shuffling to face her, “I love you,” she whispers, hoping Nayeon doesn’t think too much of it. They’re millimetres apart and Sana can’t help but think that if only she moved a bit closer, she could finally kiss the girl she loves, the girl she’s loved for years now. The look Nayeon gives her in return emanates yearning and Sana can’t help but think that maybe she’s not the only one who would like to close the distance between them.

 

“Why?” Nayeon asks her after a second passes, voice slightly quieter than before.

 

The question, albeit simple in nature, makes Sana freeze. Her mind goes into overdrive as she struggles to think of an answer, “well, you know. You’re my friend. I love my friends.”

 

“Oh,” Nayeon says, sounding in the least dejected. “I love you, too, then.” Suddenly, she sits up, pulling away from Sana.

 

“Where are you going?” Sana asks, already missing the feeling of Nayeon’s touch. 

 

“It’s getting late,” Nayeon tells her, “I have some stuff to do. You know, college and shit.”

 

“You said you’re free,” Sana argues, latching onto Nayeon, not able to handle the prospect of her leaving again.

 

“Jesus, Sana, I just want to get back home,” she tells her, voice more exhausted than angry. “I’ve had enough, can’t you respect that.”

 

“No,” Sana replies, casting her rationality aside. “I’m sick of you leaving. I’m sick of you coming here and making me feel like I’ve got a chance with you and then leaving me again. Why do you always pull back?”

 

“ _Because I’m the only one doing anything_ ,” Nayeon says, radiating frustration, “I’m done with being the only one putting in any effort. I’m the one reaching out to you, I’m the only one who’s coming over. I hate feeling like you’re doing me a favour by letting me in. I hate feeling like I’m just like everyone else to you.”

 

“You know you aren’t,” Sana shakes her head.

 

“Do I?” Nayeon laughs, tone dripping with sardonicism. “You’ve never done anything to make me feel this way.”

 

“Then leave,” Sana tells her, “that’s what you always do, anyways. You’ve never had any business here, right? It’s not like my feelings matter.”

 

“Not if you refuse to act on them,” Nayeon replies, voice calmer, but nonetheless aching. 

 

Sana watches her leave, even though it hurts. That’s what she deserves, after all. 

 

*

 

It’s the longest they have gone without a single phone call, text message, any form of contact. 

 

Two weeks pass like that, and while Sana was bubbling with anger at first, her stubborn pride not letting her even think of reaching out to Nayeon to talk it out. Their friends notice something is wrong, but don’t press it, avoiding the topic for the first few days. 

 

It grows more uncomfortable when her seething anger is replaced with the melancholy of disappointment. Sana is so terribly upset, more so with herself than with Nayeon. If there’s anything she hates the most, it’s the lingering sensation of guilt, self-reproach tearing her apart from the inside. She knows it was wrong of her, she knows she’s been a terrible friend, she knows she should have treated Nayeon better.

 

Still, she refuses to even message her once. Sana represses any pangs of consciousness at the core, not ready to acknowledge her fault. 

 

Jeongyeon finally cracks when she catches Sana going through the pictures of her and Nayeon, longing evident on her features, “okay, this needs to stop.”

 

Chaewon gives her a warning glance, “hey, Jeong, we agreed no to press this.”

 

“I’m sick of both of them refusing to speak to each other,” Jeongyeon argues, adamantly, “look, Sana, she misses you, you miss her. Whatever happened between you two, can’t you two just talk it through?”

 

“Nayeon made it pretty clear she doesn’t give two shits about how I feel,” Sana huffs, gnawing on her lip. 

 

“Okay, somehow I find it hard to believe Nayeon of all people doesn’t care about you,” Chaewon remarks, “if there’s anything she cares about it’s you.”

 

“I told her how I feel and she said it doesn’t matter unless I act on it,” Sana reveals.

 

“Well, have to side with her on this one,” Jeongyeon says, “like, hate to say, but from what I know she was the one who tried keeping your relationship going for the most part.”

 

“Look, Sana,” Chaewon strokes her hair, “I know Nayeon might have said some things, perhaps she’s been an ass, we wouldn’t know. But she’s always looked out for you, she’s always cared about you. Remember that time when you broke your arm in second grade and she ditched one of her midterms just to see you in the hospital?”

 

“She always asks about you,” Jeongyeon tells her, “even now. She’d give you the world if she could. You have to understand that she might not feel like it’s entirely reciprocated when you barely ever text her.”

 

“It doesn’t mean I don’t care about her,” Sana defends herself. “I love her. I love her so much it hurts to even think about it.”

 

“Well, how is she supposed to know that?” Jeongyeon asks. “Nayeon doesn’t think she deserves you, which isn’t your fault, don’t get me wrong. But you’re not exactly reassuring her that it’s not the case.”

 

“Reach out to her,” Chaewon advises, “just this once, be the one to make a move. Show her you really care about her. It might help.”

 

“I don’t know how,” Sana stammers, “I don’t know if I can.”

 

“Well, the least you can do is try,” Chaewon squeezes her hand, “isn’t she worth it?”

 

Nayeon is worth close to anything, Sana decides after long thought, in front of Nayeon’s house. 

 

Sana ran there, finally acting out on her instincts, not letting fear inhibit her any longer. Having been over to Nayeon’s many times before, she is able to figure out where her bedroom is, from the outside. She looks around, trying to find a tree or something that reaches Nayeon’s window, like the garage roof she has at her own place, but finds no such means of climbing upstairs. The only way she can figure out with her slightly dazed brain running more on adrenaline than anything else, is to get a ladder. 

 

A ladder she doesn’t have, given the one back at home is definitely not high enough. 

 

She can’t really ask Nayeon’s parents for a ladder because that’s counterproductive and goes against the idea of sneaking in. Her second best option is to ask Nayeon’s neighbours but she’s pretty sure they aren’t her biggest fans ever since the graduation party they threw for Nayeon last June. Sana decides to text all of her friends one by one. Surprisingly, Jisung is the first to reply. 

 

_yeah im free kinda_

_sup_

 

_uh_

_i need a ladder sorta_

_big ladder_

 

_now thats original_

_spill_

 

_stfu_

_its urgent_

 

_oh uhm we_

_youve got me all curious_

_cant guarantee i can provide one but just in case where do you want it_

 

_uh. nayeon’s house_

 

_OH SHIT OH FUCK_

 

_yeah_

 

_ARE YOU BREAKING IN TO NAYEONS HOUSE_

 

_no???_

_im gonna get through the window but like. with her permission_

_sorta_

_its our thing_

_she just does it more often_

 

_omg thats so cute_

_sidenote ive got the ladder+transport so we’ll be there soon_

 

_we?_

 

_me and my college boyfriend_

 

_WHO_

 

_y r u so surprised lmao_

_i. told you about him literally_

 

_oh that you did_

_its just so surreal how. im meeting THE college boyfriend_

_honestly surreal how im not studying for finals  
to get a college gf instead _

 

_power move kinda_

_good luck tho omfg_

 

_btw_

_does your college bf know u call him that_

 

_never told him_

_he probably figured it out tho hes smart_

_hes in college_

 

_weve heard_

_dont boast too much hes just a freshman_

 

_but what a freshman_

 

Minutes later, Jisung informs her his boyfriend can’t find a parking spot on Nayeon’s street, so Sana rushes to meet them not very far away. Without much hassle, she spots a bright red pickup with two boys struggling to get a ladder out of. She jogs to help them out. 

 

“Thanks so much for the help,” Sana says, when they set the ladder onto the pavement. “Sorry I had to drag you into this, uh…”

 

“Minho,” Jisung’s boyfriend introduces himself, “no worries. By the way, glad to finally meet you.”

 

“Jisung talks about me that much?” Sana laughs.

 

“No, but Nayeon sure does,” Minho surprises her, throwing his arm over Jisung’s shoulder, the latter looking overjoyed at the affection, “small world, we know each other from uni.”

 

“Yeah, Jisung mentioned you being in college a couple times,” Sana ignores Jisung’s rather panicked glare. “You two are really cute together.”

 

“All thanks to me, really,” Minho jokes, but ruffles Jisung’s hair when his boyfriend frowns at him. 

 

“You’re insufferable,” Jisung whines, but presses himself closer to Minho’s side. 

 

“Then don’t date me,” Minho shrugs, “who’s forcing you?” The comment makes Jisung laugh, as he clutches onto Minho for balance. 

 

“Uh, guys,” Sana interrupts them, feeling a little awkward, “the ladder?”

 

Both of them look like it physically hurts them to pull away, but they help Sana carry the ladder to Nayeon’s window. 

 

“Dude, hate to ask, but aren’t you, like, afraid of heights?” Jisung says, staring at the frankly massive ladder with horror painted on his face. Minho’s expression is similar and Sana is with no doubt, no less terrified.

 

“It’s okay,” she squeaks out, “it’s fine. You can go.”

 

“Are you sure?” Minho seems sceptical, “we could, like, hold the ladder—”

 

“I’d rather die than have you watch me humiliate myself,” Sana tells him. “Thanks for the help, though.”

 

With every step, Sana feels like dying a little. She doesn’t dare to look down, knowing she will most likely faint and fall off if she does. Somehow, she makes it to the top, with still a bit of distance left to Nayeon’s window. She reaches out to bang on it with her fist. 

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Sana chants, praying to any God above to get Nayeon to open the window as fast as possible and save her. “Jesus, open the damn window, you dumb bitch.”

 

At that exact moment, Nayeon opens the window, “now, that’s not very nice.”

 

“God, fuck, thank you,” Sana gasps, attempts of grasping onto the edge of the window and hoisting herself up mortifyingly futile, “can you let me in?”

 

“What are you doing here?” Nayeon asks. Sana wobbles on the ladder, clinging for dear life to the ledge to maintain balance.

 

“It’s kind of—” she lets out a yelp as the ladder teeters again, at another attempt to push herself up “—fuck, that’s so hard, Jesus. How did you even climb on my garage?”

 

“Pipe,” Nayeon tells her, an amused look ghosting on her face, “you need help?”

 

“No, _fucking shit_ can this thing stay still? God, this is what I get for faking my doctor’s notice to get out of gym,” she huffs, somehow managing to hook her body around the ledge, legs still dangling in the air, “couldn’t you get a smaller house? Or live downstairs?”

 

Nayeon grasps her forearms tightly and helps pull her inside, tumbling backwards as Sana lands on the carpet. Before she can get up, Nayeon rushes to her side with a worried expression, “are you okay?”

 

“God, no,” Sana rubs her temples, “that was so terrifying. Literally never climbing anything again. Fuck.”

 

“Yeah, that would be for the best,” Nayeon mutters, “You’re okay though? Did you hurt yourself?”

 

“Just my pride,” Sana replies, making Nayeon chuckle lightly, before letting laughter spill from her lips freely. Sana slaps her arm with a pout, which doesn’t help her case. 

 

Nayeon only calms down when the memories of their last encounter seem to dawn on her, Sana reckons from the fading glint in her eyes and dissipating smile. Still, she doesn’t look angry or upset, more mellow, confused, when she asks, “what are you doing here?”

 

“Isn’t it kind of our thing?” Sana replies, still a little out of breath. “Thought I’d give it a go.”

 

“How is it?” Nayeon asks, corners of her mouth lifting slightly.

 

“Worth it,” Sana says, the frankness of her tone surprising to herself. “I’ve been thinking a lot. Is it okay if we talk?”

 

Nayeon pinches the bridge of her nose with a wry grin, “of course. Go on.”

 

“You’re funny,” Sana blurts out.

 

Nayeon blinks in response.

 

“You’re funny,” Sana repeats, clenching her fists in hope of it aiding her build up confidence, “but not like Chaewon or Jeongyeon or the others. I’m not making any sense, but, like, you have that unique, embarrassing sense of humour that doesn’t work most of the time and frankly, it’s almost humiliating to be seen with you whenever you make a joke and I love it and it cracks me up every time.”

 

“All the thinking and that’s what you came up with?” Nayeon asks, squinting her eyes in incredulousness. Still, Sana can make out a small smile beginning to bloom on her face.

 

“That’s not all,” she shuffles closer to Nayeon on her knees, “I love your smile. And I know it’s corny and appreciation of facial features shouldn’t be a marker of affection, but here we are. It’s so beautiful. Like I hate to say that because it’s so affectionate but just looking at it makes me happier.”

 

Nayeon’s usual confident aura is nowhere to be found, with the older biting on her lip, eyes cast to the floor. Sana doesn’t remember ever seeing her this coy. She takes Nayeon’s hand in hers, tracing its backside with her thumb gently, then nudges her chin with her fingers, tilting her head up. 

 

“So,” Nayeon tries to sound cocky, but Sana sees right through her. Still, she plays along, “you’re gonna continue or?”

 

She nods, “yes, not even halfway through, really. You’re so cool. God, it’s such an awkward thing to say, but like you pull off all these edgy, cool, aesthetic things like climbing things and not dying and you do it so effortlessly? You’re so intelligent, you get things so quickly, you know so much about everything and it’s so nice to talk to you, because you always have your own unique way of looking at things and it’s like a completely new perspective on things.”

 

Nayeon moves closer, climbing onto Sana’s lap, circling her legs around her waist, setting her hands on her shoulders, “that cool?”

 

Sana feels her heart race at the proximity, “very cool. Everything you do is cool. You care about all of us so much and you make sure to always help us and make us happy and I’m so privileged to have you in my life. Remember the time you came over and you asked me if you should go for something you don’t deserve?”

 

“Yeah,” Nayeon sighs. “Unfortunately, I do.”

 

“I don’t think I deserve you, not even in the slightest,” Sana wraps her arms tightly around Nayeon’s waist, “but I’m here. And I’m in love with you and you deserve to know how much you mean to me for once. And even though I think I don’t deserve you, it’s not my choice to make. So, if you’d have me, I’ll spend as long as I can proving myself wrong.”

 

Nayeon lets out a strangled gasp, pressing her forehead to Sana’s. She’s close enough Sana can feel her breath fanning her skin when she speaks, “I’m going to kiss you right now, if that’s okay.”

 

In hindsight, if only Sana had said anything before, they could have been together for ages. They could have been sharing loving touches, gentle smiles. They could have missed out on the unnecessary hurting if only Sana had more courage to show Nayeon just how much she feels for her. And yet, when their lips finally meet, it feels so perfectly timed.

 

“Can I kiss you again?” Nayeon asks when they pull apart for air. 

 

“Please,” Sana whispers. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

 

“Me too,” Nayeon says, "always." 

 

Sana doesn’t leave later in the evening and really, she doesn’t want to ever pull away from Nayeon again, now that she’s in her arms. It feels like finally everything is in its place when she’s got Nayeon’s back pressed to her chest, arm thrown over her waist. She almost falls into pieces when Nayeon tells her she loves her, just as much as Sana loves her back and that it’s always been her. 

 

They fall asleep like that, in the comfort of each other’s warmth, like Sana has always dreamed of. She’s grown a lot over the last month and somehow, despite her fears, the change has been for the better.

**Author's Note:**

> once again happy birthday! love u smmmmm
> 
> [buy me a ko-fi <3](http://ko-fi.com/joonswig) // talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/midzyonce)


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